Boots on Deck: First to Strike

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Re: Boots on Deck: First to Strike

Post  Michael Garber on Fri Apr 23, 2010 11:21 am

It's good. However, in reference to your second chapter (after introduction), when a drill instructor gives an order he wants his recruits to shout "aye, sir" not "yes, sir." "Yes, sir" is only used in response to a question while "aye, sir" is the proper response to a command. I understand you showed that later on, but he would have nagged them for saying "yes, sir!" when they were to get off his bus. He would have said, "No, say aye sir!" and made them say it. Otherwise, looking alright. Although, I'd go with less of a gung-ho attitude and more with an accurate representation of a Marine's mentality. For instance, my Call of Duty story that is being written somewhat like a journal, chronicling one Marine's experiences during the MW2 timeline. I tried to keep a realistic representation of what he has to go through and how he, as a person, feels about it.

Otherwise your story is good and really motivating. Keep it up.
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Re: Boots on Deck: First to Strike

Post  Michael Hobbar on Fri Apr 23, 2010 3:37 pm

Michael Garber wrote:It's good. However, in reference to your second chapter (after introduction), when a drill instructor gives an order he wants his recruits to shout "aye, sir" not "yes, sir." "Yes, sir" is only used in response to a question while "aye, sir" is the proper response to a command. I understand you showed that later on, but he would have nagged them for saying "yes, sir!" when they were to get off his bus. He would have said, "No, say aye sir!" and made them say it. Otherwise, looking alright. Although, I'd go with less of a gung-ho attitude and more with an accurate representation of a Marine's mentality. For instance, my Call of Duty story that is being written somewhat like a journal, chronicling one Marine's experiences during the MW2 timeline. I tried to keep a realistic representation of what he has to go through and how he, as a person, feels about it.

Otherwise your story is good and really motivating. Keep it up.
I know the whole aye-aye sir thing.

Staff Sergeant Parker smirked. "My name is Staff Sergeant Parker. Now, get off MY BUS and onto MY yellow footprints!"

"YES SIR!"
that part right?

I just kept it "yes sir" because its a bit simpler. As for the gung-ho ness...i have yet to introduce the main character to combat. He'll have a lot more human emotion
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Re: Boots on Deck: First to Strike

Post  William Siegfried on Wed Apr 28, 2010 10:31 pm

Wow really good work Michael Very Happy. To tell the truth the beginning was amazing, good detail, and perfect amount of realism. It made me want to read more... I also finished the other chapters... I THOUGHT THEY WERE EPIC! lol, can't wait for the rest man.
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Re: Boots on Deck: First to Strike

Post  Michael Hobbar on Fri May 07, 2010 4:53 pm

i'm working on chapter 5, but its been delayed due to Finals and AP testing that's going on for me
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Re: Boots on Deck: First to Strike

Post  William Siegfried on Sat May 29, 2010 3:15 pm

Man I can't wait for Chapter 5! XD
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Re: Boots on Deck: First to Strike

Post  Michael Hobbar on Mon May 31, 2010 3:37 pm

William Siegfried wrote:Man I can't wait for Chapter 5! XD
well wait no more!

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2797238/6/Boots_on_Deck_First_to_Strike

chapter 6 is oscar mike
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Re: Boots on Deck: First to Strike

Post  Michael Hobbar on Tue Jun 29, 2010 1:23 pm

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Re: Boots on Deck: First to Strike

Post  William Siegfried on Fri Jul 02, 2010 11:48 am

nice man, really nice work. Now I have to wait again...
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Re: Boots on Deck: First to Strike

Post  Michael Hobbar on Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:33 am

William Siegfried wrote:nice man, really nice work. Now I have to wait again...
haha yes you do. any comments or critiques?
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Re: Boots on Deck: First to Strike

Post  Michael Hobbar on Thu Jul 29, 2010 1:42 pm


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Re: Boots on Deck: First to Strike

Post  Joshua Kennedy on Thu Jul 29, 2010 7:33 pm

CTRL + F; Kennedy

WOO HOO!

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Re: Boots on Deck: First to Strike

Post  Michael Hobbar on Thu Jul 29, 2010 8:52 pm

Joshua Kennedy wrote:CTRL + F; Kennedy

WOO HOO!

haha

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Re: Boots on Deck: First to Strike

Post  Adam L. Booke on Sun Aug 01, 2010 8:41 pm

nice Hobbar. Add my name! =D
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Re: Boots on Deck: First to Strike

Post  William Siegfried on Wed Aug 04, 2010 3:05 am

Use William too lol, that is if you want lol.
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Re: Boots on Deck: First to Strike

Post  Adam L. Booke on Fri Sep 24, 2010 5:20 pm

I want a new chapter!
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Re: Boots on Deck: First to Strike

Post  Michael Hobbar on Fri Sep 24, 2010 5:24 pm

Adam L. Booke wrote:I want a new chapter!
when i have more free time!

any suggestions just post em and i'll try to put it in.

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